There's Always More

My friend, who went to a National Park, was
telling me some more stories of things that
happened in his travels.

One interesting tidbit was when he was hiking
one day. He had spent 7 hours hiking up, and
was on his way down. He was tired, wet (there
were some beautiful waterfalls) and sweaty.
He was in a hurry to get to where he could
take a shower, relax, and take care of himself.

He passed a couple with a young child, and
as he passed, going pretty quickly, the
woman made some snide remarks about how
beautiful things were, and about how one
couldn't take the time to actually look,
"of course" referring indirectly to my
friend.

Now while she may have had a well intentioned
point, and while there may be some that will
ignore the surrounding beauty and plow through,
that certainly wasn't the case with my friend.
He even had 100s of pictures to prove that he
had taken his time and enjoyed the beauty.

It made me think about perspective, and how
we can be so sure of another person's
experience when, in fact, we haven't got
a clue. But that doesn't stop us from treating
a person according to our perception.

As common as this is, it is something that is
often overlooked when we are caught up in our
own head and own perspective. If she had
known what my friend's experience was, and
how he was feeling at that moment she may have
not been so quick to judge, and may have even
been glad to know that he had had such a great
day and would have been glad to know that he
was getting to where it was best for him to
be as expediently as possible.

It makes me wonder how often we assign negativity
to something that actually is quite positive.

I wonder if you caught something about the
situation and what I wrote. To some degree
the representation of the events makes it seem
like she was the "bad" guy, while what she
said may have not been targeted toward him
at all, but rather a coincidence of timing.

There is no way to know, and that is part of
the point. However, there may be times we
could be correct, but in times like those,
I seriously doubt a snide comment is going
to have a great impact on another - at least
not in a positive way.

If a person's intention is to be heard, it is
best to speak in a way that another would be
willing to listen, and making someone feel
guilty or bad or wrong for what they've done
may kick in the defense mechanisms. It could
also have a deafening effect or create the
antithesis of the desired result.

I suppose the point is to take in more than
just what is perceived in the moment. There
is likely to be more going on in that person's
world and mind than is readily apparent.

Perhaps it should be even taken a step further.
Perhaps it is none of our business what is
going on in that person's mind and world -
unless they want us to know and/or care what
we may have to say or do about it.

Funny thing is, though...if that was the case,
there wouldn't be much news to report, no gossip
shows or media websites. Wow. We might find
that we need to focus on ourselves and our world
instead. Wouldn't THAT be something?

(Yes. I know there is more to the picture.
There always is.)

Speak to me live

Fix It | Video

So often we go looking to someone else to
"fix" things for us, or tell us how to
fix it for ourselves.

There are a few problems with this, as
first of all, who says a fix is needed?

Secondly, who says another's fix will
work for us?

There are so many people making money
these days by telling others about the
ultimate of fixes. It could be financial,
to lose weight, to stop stress, to be
successful. You name it.

People are told that the way to make
money is to fix another person's problem.
The problem is that if those fixes truly
worked then there really would be no more
problem to fix. Besides, you have to
show/convince them they have a problem
first.

And yet, there is book after book, video
after video, guru after guru telling you
how best to be and live your life. Those
who do the best job making it seem like
they're fixing your problem will likely
get your attention, but they also might
be a part of your disappointment when
it doesn't work, or part of your
rationalization when it doesn't work,
"I must have done it wrong," "what's
wrong with me, it didn't work, but it
did for others."

What if there was nothing wrong in
the first place? What if the failure
really was a lack of acknowledging
the self while paying attention to
another?

Those who will tell you the answer is
within you will likely frustrate the
hell out of you if you are in a place
of "I haven't got a clue!" At least
that is what has happened to me on more
than one occasion.

There have been times I have been desperate
for an answer, but there was no one who
could give it to me. The worst thing
someone can do for me is to try to give
me an answer that isn't for me. Ever
have that experience? You often know
what the answer is not, even if you don't
know what it IS.

Sometimes I think I give people the impression
that I know a lot, and perhaps I do. But
there are so many questions I have myself
about the things in life that just don't
seem to work.

What I am coming to realize is that we've
been hypnotized into believing that there
is an answer for everything. We have been
hypnotized to believe that things that don't
seem to work need to be fixed. We have been
hypnotized to believe that where we are in
this moment is not the right one, when in
actuality, it might be the perfect one.

Yes there are ways to look at things that
can help us move and do and be different -
if that is what WE want to do. But maybe
the key is to know - at least in some small
way - when it is a time to be in that place,
and bathe in it. Maybe we are exactly
where and how we need to be to get exactly
what we need. Some of the more challenging
times of my life have become some of my
greatest gifts.

In the midst of something you are struggling
with no one is going to be able to tell you
"this is a gift," and you suddenly are going
to go,"Oh, yes. You are right. I need to
be different now." If you did, the gift
would never arrive, as it is the process of
working through wherever you are at that
moment that will be the gift, and it is
nothing that anyone can give you.

Perhaps the key is to know that within you
is the answer, but to use those things outside
of yourself as guides. Go ahead and listen
to people, and read books, and view videos,
and listen in a way that you measure it
against who you are and who you think you
want to be. See if what another says rings
true for you, or if it seems to be at conflict.
Bounce it around, play with it, and see what
you come with. Maybe your Slot A is best
filled with Tab D. Maybe Liquid X mixed
with Liquid Y is volatile.

Maybe life is about learning to listen to
ourselves, and learning about ourselves.
Maybe the best way to learn is to have
those things we can compare and contrast
ourselves with. How in the world could
something outside of us know the answer
better than something inside of us? It
doesn't really make any sense, does it?
And yet countless times, without thinking,
we will find ourselves letting someone
else guide us to a place that may not
ultimately be to our benefit.

Maybe it is time that we were willing to
take a look at things in a different way.

Maybe it is time to consider that who and
how we are is the person that we need to
be, and that who we do become will be a
person that is built upon the foundation
we have built with all of its cracks and
seeming imperfections.

Maybe it is time to consider that all
answers aren't immediate, and that some
take more time and patience than we want
to have, or think we should have.

Maybe it is time to let ourselves flounder
a bit; perhaps jumping into things isn't
helping us, but rather taking us away
from the things we need to learn.

Maybe a possible mistake we make is thinking
that someone knows us better than we
know ourselves.

Maybe who we are is just perfect,
and perhaps we can let ourselves
relax, just a little.

And, maybe...

What I have written doesn't do anything
for you at all. Maybe you think otherwise,
and it works for you. If so, it sounds
perfect to me. :)

Last, but not least, here is a bit of
humor on the "fixit" mentality. I think
it speaks to what is really going on
under the surface of the illusion that
we always know how and what to fix and
how best to fix it.



Speak to me live

Trying to Please Everyone? (Read this)

You're never going to please everyone.

You might be one way, and a person
will feel wonderful around you.

You might be around another person
and be the same way, and that
person feels uncomfortable.

When you don't know who you are,
or feel insecure or not confident,
it may be easy to be swayed by the
winds of another.

Don't do it.

Well.
I suggest you don't do it.

The more willing you are to take a
stand for who you are, foibles and all,
the more likely you will find the people
and situations who will like you just
the way you are - give or take a little, LOL.
(No one's that perfect).

For a long time I had difficulty being
who I am, as it seemed that I didn't
really "fit." I was often the odd one
out, and yet, it seemed that people who
took the time to pay attention to me
one on one seemed to appreciate who
I was.

It is easy to wonder "what is wrong
with me?" when you don't have a clear
sense of not only who you are, but that
who you are is just perfect the way
you are.

It has taken some doing, and now I
can finally say I am OK with who I am.
It sucks when it doesn't fit, but
at least I don't try to make it fit,
try to change, and I lose less energy
over it because I can walk away faster.

Coming to that place has helped me
when carving out my place in the
world as well as in more personal
ways, like when I have profiles
on dating sites (where all kinds
of anonymous guys have given me
"helpful," conflicting advice,
and where I am told how wonderful
I am in one email and how scary
I am in another, LOL).

Sometimes I am even at the point
of laughter when someone tries to
tell me how to be (a complete
stranger, mind you) in the guise
of being helpful.

Interesting how - without awareness -
the world in which we live we believe
to be THE world. Of course then it
would help if the world would conform
to our way of looking at things.

Why is it that we haven't yet gotten
the idea that there is no ONE world
and no ONE way of looking at things
that works for everyone? Why does
that seem so difficult to attain?
We have example after example of how
that DOESN'T work.

The wind's blowing yet again...are
you going to be blown by it?

Speak to me live

Beautiful the Way You Are | Video

I was reading an article about how The Voice
is the Anti Idol. It raised some interesting
points, and as I thought about it, I came to
a few of my own thoughts about how the two
shows are in many ways representative of how
we "do" life.

In many ways Idol is how we try to manipulate life,
and how we try to get it to fit into the boxes
and labels we want it to be.

The Voice seems to say, "This is who I am. Take
me or leave me." Interestingly, it seems as though
people are taking to those who are making it into
the finals.

It seems to be one of the paradoxes of life that
we try to make everything fit so neatly, and yet
when we can truly be who we are, and see those
being who they truly are, there is a connection
that can be made that can't be manufactured.

I would bet that The Voice is successful (at
least in part) because despite the fact that
it doesn't "fit" the perfect mold, what it
does fit, in some way, is who we aspire to be
without the pressures to be something and
someone we are not.

The following video is one of the contestants
with a song about perspective. See what you
think:



Speak to me live

At what cost?

He is married, with one child.
He had split from his wife,
but had gotten back together
with her.

He admitted that, in some ways,
he took the easy way out. He
had a lifestyle that was more
than comfortable, and wasn't
sure he wanted to jeopardize
it. He had also been with his
wife for years, so he was going
with what he knew. He didn't
like the idea much about dating
again - even though he and his
wife were rarely - if ever -
having sex, even after their
reconciliation.

He said he tries not to think
about it. That also seemed easier,
and yet here he was talking to
me about it. He noticed that
despite not wanting to think
about it, it was often lurking
under the surface.

He isn't happy, and he knows it.

But he doesn't know what to do
about it. He feels stuck.

I can appreciate where he is -
to some degree. There was a
relationship that I had that I
was in and out of more than once
before the final break. The
reconciliations did nothing to
change things. Words were
exchanged, and maybe it seemed
as though things might be different,
but I think it was more wishful
thinking, and not be willing to
see things as they were that
brought me back those times.

Interestingly, when it finally
ended it was a RELIEF.

And...I wasn't even married to
the guy, and there was no child
involved.

Interestingly when this guy spoke
of his wife, he said "polite" things,
but he said nothing about why he'd
want to stay with HER. It was more
about the child, the lifestyle.

When I pointed this out, he recognized
that I was right. I asked him how
he'd feel if someone was staying with
him because of what she could get from
him. I asked him wouldn't he want
someone to want him for who he was
than what he had to offer.

I asked him if he was really doing his
child any favors. I have known of
situations in which the parents were
so unhappy - but stayed together "for
the kids" - which were troubled and
troubling situations for more than one
reason. Sometimes pretending everything
is OK and staying together will do more
of a disservice to the children.

If two people have a child's well being
in mind when acting, they will find ways
to take care of the child - at a distance.
The key is to have the core desire to
focus on helping the child, rather than
using the child as a ploy (which I have
sadly also seen more than once).

Those who are for "family" will argue
that family comes at any cost. Of course,
they won't say it that way, but they'll
have a family that superficially "works,"
on the surface, but that's it. The good
(acceptable?) appearance of things, though,
in situations like that is at great personal
expense to those who are in the
relationship.

How much are you willing to "pay" to stay
in a situation that doesn't work? To stay
in situations that don't fulfill your
most basic needs? To stay in a situation
that demoralizes you?

If you re-read that paragraph, you might be
able to tell that it can apply to other types
of relationships as well. When you are so
focused on holding on to what you got, you
may not be able to see what amazing things
you might be coming into - if you just let go.

There are no absolute answers, despite what
some may think. What is right for you might
go against what others think is right. I
know someone who says they're concerned for
how their spouse will be treated by their
family if there is a divorce.

This is not to say that the feelings of others
should not be considered. However, if they
are acknowledged to your own detriment, consider
that the value of those actions may be diminished.
Also consider that you are not responsible for
another person's experience of life, or how
another interprets the things that happens in
their life.

Many times when staying together seems to be
difficult, it is easy to look anywhere but
within. The reason for this is that if we
were willing to really look at ourselves, and
listen, we might have to make choices that
rock the boat. Ironically, if you are unhappy,
what you haven't likely noticed is that the
boat is already rocking.


Speak to me live

Soul & Connection & Conflict | Quote

Speak to me live

Giving & Receiving

Some people just love to give, and
occasionally a constant desire to
give can be a way of avoiding or
ignoring the fact that there is
nothing coming back (among
other things).

The thing is, though, that often we are
best if we are in balance, and it is as
important to know how to receive as it
is to give. When we deny the opposite
of something it can be to our detriment.
Sometimes a denial will just bring the
thing denied closer to the surface.

There are all kinds of ways to give and
receive. For two people it may be two
different things, but as long as it
works for those involved, it can be a
good thing to help with balance.

At one point in my life I was definitely
the one who gave more, and looking back
it is clear to me that it wasn't what
it appeared superficially and it was
only superficially satisfying (although
at the time I was so far removed from
what I know now, I didn't have a clue).

The more someone can appreciate who you
are, what you do, and what you have to
offer the more satisfying those experiences
will be and the more likely you will enjoy
life overall.

By the way, this includes the relationship
you have with yourself. I am reminded of
this today as I spend time nurturing myself
and making things for me that I enjoy.

There is a domestic goddess inside of me
that can be quite happy when doing things
that nurture someone - even when it is
"just" myself (and I really need to get
better when it comes to that relationship
...sound familiar?)

I hope you do things for yourself, too.
If you haven't done anything recently,
what can you do to give to yourself?
What can you do to nurture yourself?

When you figure it out...you know what
the next step is, don't you? :)

Enjoy what's left of your weekend!

Speak to me live

Gender Bias

I was just reading an article about a preschool
in Sweden that takes big efforts to gender
neutralize everything.

The idea behind it seems to be to give
children the opportunity to just be
themselves without feeling "compelled"
(my word) to be the expectations of
their gender.

While it seems to me that we certainly
have room for improvement, it would
also seem to make sense to identify
with one's gender to see, if nothing
else, how it "fits."

Perhaps a girl will identify more with
the boys, and a boy will identify more
with the girls, but perhaps it would
be better to have a more informed and
tolerant world that allows for self
discovery, and the forging of a path
that works for the individual rather
than one that society deems appropriate.

We seem to have enough trouble as it is
sometimes figuring out who and how we
are. Hopefully those whose children
are enrolled are helping them to distinguish
which choices seem to fit for them within
the gender roles without negating their
own, or the other, gender.

We have genders. There is no getting
around it, and it seems to me that a
avoidance of it (if that is what this
is) is no more helpful than an avoidance
of anything else.

It seems geared to help kids, but I can't
help but wonder if it is potentially misguided
as it would seem it is the adults who have
the gender bias issues, not the kids.

I would be curious to know your thoughts.
 

Speak to me live

Gee...Wonder what they were thinking... | Video

when they made this commercial.



Speak to me live

Sexless Marriage?

I often speak with men whose relationships
(married, or not) seem to have a minimal
amount of sex. I sometimes think they
they they are unique. Not to burst that
bubble, but it is much more common than
anyone may realize, and it goes both ways
despite what some may think.

I just read an article about a marriage
of 16 years in which the two partners never
had sex, and it was the woman who was the
one who wanted it, but the husband who found
reasons not to, and ways to blame her for
his lack of willingness/desire.

It is amazing how we can sometimes
creatively turn things around. I
would imagine there may be a few men
whose partners are good at saying
things in a similar way that might
have a negative effect on one's own
self esteem.

I used to be in a relationship where the
guy I was with was really good at that.
Because I wasn't how I am now, I would
constantly question myself, wondering if
somehow he might have a point.

Not to say he didn't at times, perhaps,
but I am certain that there were issues
that he had that he deflected on to me.

The more you know yourself, the less likely
someone can manipulate you. The more you
know yourself the more opportunity you have
to communicate effectively and ultimately
decide if the situation you find yourself
in is one you want to remain in.

You can likely convince yourself of anything.
Are the things you've convinced yourself
about really worth it? (HINT: the answer
might be a dubious yes, if you are unsettled
or are unhappy about it - especially if over
an extended period of time) If not, it may be
time to take a good, hard look at things.

Speak to me live

On the Subject of Love Relationships & Will

I recently watched the movie "When in Rome."

If you don't like spoilers, don't read any
further, as I am going to talk about the plot.

The movie in part asks the questions,
"What is love?" and "Love," at what cost?

The main character, Beth, takes coins from
a fountain while in Rome. According to the
story, it apparently makes all who threw
those coins in the fountain fall in love
with her.

As impossible as it would seem, and as
plausible as only a film script could be,
she suddenly has what seems to be five
men obsessively chasing after her back
in NYC, where she lives.

She is told that she can reverse the "spell"
if she gives the coins back to those who
put them in the fountain.

Before she has a chance to, though, she
has 4 of the 5 show up at her apartment,
and the conversation ensues about what
love truly is, and that if the four of
them truly love her, even if she doesn't
love them, they should help her get what
it is that she wants. After all, isn't
that what love truly is about?

So the four get her to where she needs
to be, and she gets the coins back so
that she can return them to their owners,
and three of them have a Wizard of Oz
moment, of sorts (LOL, at least that is
the way it seemed to me).

One says he never did magic in public,
until he felt the way he did about her.
One says he missed (I think) his wife,
and he knew he couldn't replace her,
but how he felt about the main character
helped him to find a similar, love-
filled feeling, and the third had had
a desire to be an artist that was
awakened - and acted upon - in a big
way because of how he felt.

Maybe that is what love is about, too,
bringing out the best in who we are
because of how we feel for another.

Then there is the the 5th guy, the one
the main character appears to love, and
she believes she also has a coin to
return to him, and when it is returned
she believes the spell on him will also
be broken, but instead he says he loves
her, and that nothing has changed. The
next thing you know, they're off getting
married, but on her wedding day it is
discovered that she gave him the wrong
coin. So as she is about to marry him,
she has to decide if she wants to be
with someone under her "spell."

At the altar she returns the coin, and
runs from the church, and back to the
fountain, and apparently seems grateful
for the adventure she had been on when
the groom comes to her and tells her
that he never threw any coins into the
fountain. It turns out that they were
someone else's.

Interestingly, it made me think about
conversations I have had with some
who think that I would be interested
in hypnotizing someone to be in love
with - and mesmerized by - me.

In an odd way, what the movie "makes
up" could potentially be a reality if
a person who knew hypnosis knew how to
use it to manipulate another. While
that can be a whole other discussion,
the point I am wanting to make is that
I would never want to be with someone
who didn't want to be with me - because
he wanted to be with me. I

I have no desire in "making" someone
be something they're not, or don't
want to be. In my world, a
relationship of any type is a
partnership and is going to work for
the best interests of those involved.

So while there may be magic involved,
in this world of mine it is the most
magical when those affected are
already enjoying the "show," and the
hypnosis is a(n) bonus/enhancement.

So...what do you think? Would you want
someone to love you because they love
you, or love you because something else
tells them to? Could you love someone
who couldn't return your love and
affections the way you would desire?

My inquiring mind wants to know.

Speak to me live

Feeling at Odds? The Many Parts of Who We Are

When speaking with those who call me I find
that there are many parts to who they are:
the responsible adult, the young child who
wants to be in wild abandon, the father/mother,
the daughter/son, the boss, the employee, the
in control one, the willing one, the protagonist,
the antagonist, the procrastinator, the creative,
the artist, the processor, the...the list goes
on and on.

What can happen (and often does happen) is
the different parts of a person can wage an
inner war, and one part can feel attacked for
who and how it is, especially if it seems
that that part is causing trouble.

Interestingly, there are parts of us that
will be lured into "trouble" because, in
some way, it might be good for us. That
part of us might be taking us to a place
that we need to be. However, it doesn't
mean that it will always be a calm, neat
and tidy - and often, probably, quite
the opposite. Many times it might
create an event that can be difficult
or painful, but then it is revealed how
much of a gift the experience truly was
as more of life unfolds.

So much of life these days is about "fixing"
things, not the least of which is who we
are. Perhaps it is time to consider that
we are who we are, and that who that is is
perfect for us to be the unique person we
are meant to be, and not the carbon copy
of someone else.

The more unique you are, the more likely
you are being true to yourself and your
journey in life. Perhaps the moments of
uncertainty and questioning and even of
darkness serve to bring us into the light.

So many times in my life I have had moments
that have been devastating for who I was
at the time. When I look back, I see how
these times have molded me and shaped me
as the person others seems to appreciate
today. Without those things you'd be
speaking to another version of me, if you
were even speaking with me at all.

One never knows when the storm is
actually bringing peace. For that
reason, when you are struggling with
those parts of yourself that seem not
to be in synch consider giving them a
voice, and finding out what they need.
Perhaps you need that inner child to
stamp his feet for a bit.

The different parts of us never go away.
We just develop new ones which now have
to co-exist with those parts that have
come before. It is something - unlike
other things - we often never learn to do.
However, if we are able to get anywhere
close to it, those parts of us can be
at odds but still work together as part
of a whole in such an incredible way
that it can bring us a kind of peace that
we can't have or enforce by attempting
to squash parts of ourselves.

Consider being nicer to yourself. Those
parts are only trying to do their best
for you.

Speak to me live

The Human Experience (A few thoughts from a Documentary)

I just watched The Human Experience. It is a
documentary that touches on a few things that
are profound.

It has gotten some mixed reviews, and a few
awards, and I personally feel a bit mixed
about my experience of it. However there
were some very pointed and poignent moments.

Two things that stuck out to me were:

One of the guys featured in the film looked
straight at the camera and was talking about
a kindergarten teacher. He said that he
was unable to color in the lines, and for
that reason the teacher basically told him
he would amount to nothing.

He said this while in Africa.

It made me think about how we as adults have
adult versions that tell people that they're
"nothing" or that they'll never get anywhere.

Interestingly, it seems as though he may have
(even in small part) been spurred on by what
she said, so who knows? Maybe it was something
that was meant to be, and contributed to whatever
he winds up doing. We are, after all, motivated
by things both "negative" and "positive."

The second thing was something that a Rabbi
said. I am guessing it may have been said
some other place, perhaps in a similar way,
but what he said was something I had never
heard before.

He spoke of a metaphor of all of life to a
musical composition. He suggested that each
person was a note in that composition waiting
to be played, and integral to the piece.

So what does your contribution "sound" like?

The film is about how we are connected and
how we all matter. If that type of message
speaks to you, it might be worth a view.

Have a great night.


Speak to me live

Happy Father's Day! | video

As I sit here and write this, I find
myself wondering what my father would
have thought of what I do for a living.

If it wasn't for him, odds certainly
say I wouldn't be here, or at the
very least, wouldn't be who and how
I am as everything that we are and
are not has everything to do with
those who parent us.

Relationships with others are a
mixed bag, and for some there may
be a father figure that one can
appreciate, even if you don't share
the same genetic material.

To those who have a reason to
acknowledge this day, I hope
you have a wonderful day with
your kids and/or your "dad."

And to anyone who reads this, a
special thank you in spirit goes
from me to your dad for his making
a place for you in the world.

I have to believe the world is
benefitted in some way by your
contribution to - and presence
in - it. (If by any chance
you don't believe that, then we
should certainly speak!)
 

Speak to me live

History in the Making (Video)

Just wanted to share a song/video I enjoyed.
Perhaps you will, too. :)
Each moment creates - something.
Some somethings more special than others.
Here's to those special somethings.



Speak to me live