we were born to a world without other
people? I know it's impossible to
consider at this stage in the game,
but what if.
If there were no other people there
would be no expectations. There
would be - in some ways - a blank
slate. We could do whatever we
wanted to do. I would have to
wonder if we would even know what
disappointment was...because how
would we know that what was wasn't
exactly how it should be.
How would we know sadness?
As I write, I am formulating this
"conversation," as it is difficult
to conceptualize what life would
be without another's influence,
as we are subject to others'
influences from the first moment
of life...and perhaps even before.
I think about things like this
sometimes because actions of those
I speak with are often influenced
by what others around them will
think.
There is zero judgment regarding
this, as I, too, am subject to the
same type of potential restriction.
I am not in any way exempt.
When I was in my teens I had a
conversation with someone about
appearances. The person I was
speaking with was trying to
convince me that if I was coming
out of a bar it might appear that
I was drinking. After all, for
most what does a person do in a
bar, if not drink?
I responded by saying that I
wasn't drinking, and what did
I care what someone thought.
She decided to try another approach.
She was a married woman. She said
what would it be like for her to
go out with a single man? My
response was what would it matter?
If she and he knew nothing was
awry, why should anyone care?
I look back on that conversation,
and I think about how the differences
in our approaches may have had something
to do with "adult" sensibilities.
As an adult, perhaps, we can see how
another's perception of who we are
can alter our world, and potentially
limit what we are able to do.
As a result, we limit ourselves first.
In speaking with someone recently,
I was saying that I wonder if I could
consider choices in isolation of others'
judgments if I would do things differently.
I was thinking of something in particular,
and it would be a case of I know what I
was doing and what I wasn't doing, but
if someone had a different perception,
or perhaps even judged what I thought
was OK as not OK in their experience, I
couldn't help but wonder what the net
effect could possibly be.
One who might consider himself or herself
wise might be wise to consider what one
does before acting on it, as there could
be unpleasant consequences.
But what does that ultimately cost us?
Those things we hold back on...might they
be things that would make a difference
for those in our lives and others in our
extended world family if they were to
be acted on? Might they make a difference
for the most important person in your
life - YOU?
I speak as a person who is quite often
the "odd" one, so I know what it is like
to try to walk on that tightrope. Often
my opinions and thoughts will vary from
those around me, and it isn't an easy
place to stand. When in Rome, do as the
Romans do, or get kicked out.
However the thing I have noticed is that
the more I am willing to take a stand
and be different - even in the difficulty -
the more it seems to help others be who
they want to be, and I think that is
pretty awesome.
We seem to need permission to be ourselves.
Unfortunately (or fortunately?) the only
person around who can do that for us, is us.
But watching and observing and interacting
with others can often help to prompt us to
act on what we already know.
Maybe it is good that we have others around.
Maybe it helps us to realize what is
important to us because to be OK with it
we have to take a stand.
I don't know that that is the case, but...
if we're going to have to be in a dynamic,
we might as well make it mean something
good and empowering, don't you think?
So while you are out living your life,
trying to figure out what the right thing
to do is, caring about what others may
think and how others may react, remember
that there are others who are attempting
to do the very same thing.
The more we can give people the freedom
to be themselves, the less likely we will
have to hide - or deny - parts of ourselves.
Also consider that while you may think you
know someone or something by appearance,
you may not have a clue. Consider that
judgments often come from who we think a
person is, rather than who s/he truly is.
If you're going to stand in judgment of
another, at least have your facts straight.
But better yet, see what you can do about
refraining from a judgment. What difference
does it make to anyone else if I was in a
bar drinking or a married woman goes out
with a single man?
Yes. I realize there are a whole bunch of
societal pieces and questions that can be
attached to those questions, but if you
feel compelled to be involved, then at
least do everyone a favor and "get your
facts straight" so that you are at least
responding to what is, and not what you
have created it to be in your own mind.
What do you think? Do you feel judged?
Do you judge? Do the judgments have a
bottom line effect?
Speak to me live
