Can Men & Women be Friends?

I was speaking with someone today who
mentioned the film When Harry Met Sally.
In the film Harry, played by Billy
Crystal, tells Sally, played by Meg
Ryan, that it is impossible for men
and women to be friends because men
are always sexually interested in women.

I think it is an interesting question,
and also an interesting analysis and
conclusion. I say this because it
would seem that sexual attraction "has"
to have an inevitable conclusion/action,
at least according to some.

Does an attraction have to be acted
upon? I guess that depends on the
person you talk to, and what their
perspective is. And, if it is not
acted upon, where are the parties
involved left?

Some are unable to have a dynamic of
any type if the type that they want
is unavailable (all or nothing principle).
The fact is that if the two parties
are able and willing to be friends,
the possibility to be friends exists.
It may not be the easiest thing to do,
as nature may have other designs, but
it depends on what is at the core of the
relationship that is a friendship.

If the core is respect and love, a
friendship of any type is one that
will be rewarding no matter how you
slice it. Can it suck? Absolutely.
At one point Sally's feelings get
hurt, and she tells Harry she really
wants to hate him.

There is a fine line that can be
walked in any dynamic between two
people, some more tricky than others.
It all depends what is important to
you, and if you love and respect the
other person, you will allow for
the relationship to take shape in
any way that is supportive of both
of you.

If there is a lack of love and/or
respect, then it is a whole different
ballgame, likely with much different
expectations, actions, and results.

One thing does not necessarily mean
another thing. When we start to
make things mean something (attraction=
a necessity to act on it) is when we
will likely find ourselves in trouble.

I would think that lust is the biggest
troublemaker of all, as it has no
foundation on which to stand when there
is nothing else to support it.

Lusting after someone that you love
and respect, while having love and
respect for yourself is very different
than going after someone just because
your libido is speaking volumes.

Matters of the heart are never easy
to navigate, as they rarely are on
a straight and narrow path. That is
why knowing who you are at the core
will help to guide you in times of
difficulty. Just be sure that the
direction you take is your own, and
not those of society, family, friends.

In general, I'd say that when you
find your head and heart at odds,
it is the heart that speaks from
the core of who you are, and it
is the head that tells you things
as they should be - according to
what others believe.

Following your heart won't be the
easiest thing you'll ever do at
times - but it likely will be the
most rewarding. Some times the
challenge to be friends in the
midst of attraction is one worth
hurdling. If nothing else, it
might be more likely to withstand
the test of time and other challenges.

And, then again...who the heck knows
what's best for you - other than you?
:P
 

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Feeling Wobbly?

If you are feeling wobbly, you might want to
consider that you don't have a firm foundation
in place to hold you up.


You could potentially look at the universe
of you as four circles, the first of which
is Self Awareness. Knowing yourself is an
important foundation piece for who you are
and who you want to be.

If there is a shaky self awareness, you
will have a shaky foundation on which you
are built. Self awareness is one of those
things that isn't always easy, and many
times is glossed over.

The only problem is that when you gloss
it over you can run into difficulties
as you don't know what you are building
upon.

After you have the self awareness, it
helps you to identify your needs, values,
and beliefs which further enhances your
foundation. If you don't know who you
are, others will define these for you -
family, friends, bosses, advertisers...
and you might feel lost, as what you
think you should do is based on nothing
more than someone else's desires for you.

When you know what your beliefs, values,
and needs are, then you are better able
to explore options and take actions that
suit who you are. There is confidence
and conviction. You know what you are
doing, without confusion.

We take actions all of the time, but if
they're not based on our values and beliefs
which are based on a self awareness, the
actions, and our life in general may feel
quite hollow.

Once you know yourself, are clear about
your values and beliefs, know the best
actions to take, then you can even step
up your game by asking questions that
empower you, and help you decide what
best is next.

Often people wonder what is next, and don't
have a clue, or much of one, because the
foundation hasn't been set.

The clearer you are, the firmer the foundation,
the better the "build" of who you are. The
less you are willing to look at things
from the start, the more likely your world
will feel like it is imploding when something
seems to go wrong, and worse yet, you'll
wonder why. You may not even know what to do,
as you have nothing to go back to.

The best thing you can do for yourself is
take the steps to figure out who you are;
it will give you a place to refer to in a
time of need and help you get to wherever
it is you might like to go. We all want to
get somewhere, but you'd probably agree that
all maps don't take you to all places. The
best map to get you where you want to go
comes from within you, and it has a great
guidance system - if you follow its directions.
It'll also get you back on track, if you get
lost.

Without it, you might just feel like you are
going around in circles.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask.
Want help creating clarity? I can help.

Have a great night.
 

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When Self Protective Behaviors Can Be Destructive

I just read an article about how one
might be able to spot those who want
to do us harm by the type of watch
they wear. According to the article,
the reasoning has something to do
with certain connections made by
investigators.

It made me think about a Twilight
Zone episode that I just recently
watched. In the episode, a street
in America is going about their
business, when it seems an asteroid
flies over, although no one is sure
what it truly is.

Odd things start to happen. Cars
won't start, lights won't light,
phones won't work.

There is a kid on the street who
tells everyone what "they" - the
aliens - want, according to the
stories. "They" don't want anyone,
but those sent down previously who
look like humans, to leave.

At first, what he said is laughed
off. But then one of the neighbors
is trying to start his car. He
can't seem to, but then suddenly
it starts, when he is no where near
it. And, then, in a bit it shuts
off in an equally mysterious manner.

Everyone else begins to think that
he must be the alien. After all,
nothing works for anyone else, so
if it works for him, then he must
be the alien.

Watching it I couldn't help but
think why would an alien want to
draw attention to himself in such
an obvious way...but it is apparent
that no one is rationally considering
that possibility.

As the day goes by, those who are
affected seem to be more and more
willing to look for things in any
of those who live on the street
that would be a reason to believe
THEY are the alien.

The guy whose car wouldn't start
also seemed to have an insomnia
problem, so he would sometimes at
night come outside and stare at
the sky...of course THAT had to
mean something.

The situation keeps escalating,
as lights in different people's
homes flicker on and off, and
as it does, the camera pans
back, and you see two speaking.
One is explaining to the other
that the events that have just
occurred have happened every
time they have set up the same
conditions. Essentially, it is
explained, that humans will
ultimately destroy themselves.

We may not know if the type of
watch someone wears is a "sign"
of bad things, but what we do
know is that if we're not
careful, our fears will have
us be reactive to the point that
we won't have to worry about
someone else destroying us, we
will destroy ourselves first.

Nothing has any meaning, except
for the meaning we give it. It
can be both helpful (stove=hot=
burn) and detrimental, depending
on the circumstance.

This applies to all types of
things and situations, and to
something as simple as an
argument with a loved one.

How often do our assessments
and interpretations wind up
hurting us more than helping?

It may seem we are logically
protecting ourselves, but if
were not careful that protection
system will help us self destruct.

Consider that the next time you
judge someone a certain way by
the way they tie their shoelace
or, even worse, have shoes without
laces.

I realize I may be oversimplifying,
but it sadly may not be too far
from some of the scenarios that
are all too real.

As always, just a little
something to consider and,
interested in hearing your
thoughts.
 

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This is too cute | Video

This should be good for a laugh.

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When Trust is Turned into Ammunition

When you meet a new person, you don't know everything
about each other. It is not possible.

As you get to know one another, you begin to reveal
pieces and parts of yourself. You reveal your history.
You reveal your weaknesses, your insecurities. You
get comfortable, and the other person gets to see the
"real" you.

That can be the beautiful thing about expressing yourself,
and getting to know another. There is something quite
wonderful and freeing about being able to express
yourself, without your guard up.

What isn't so beautiful is when you in that moment of
trust confide something about yourself or your history
only to have the other person come back at a later time
and use it as ammo when they see an opportunity.

Even worse, is when the other person uses the
knowledge in a way that s/he might even claim as
helpful or beneficial to you - often by seemingly
kicking you while you are down. More times than not
the LAST thing we need to hear is another's assessment
of us in what is likely already an argument or disagreement.

How often is someone likely to mention something that
is seemingly "wrong" with you when everything is going OK?

http://www.flickr.com/photos/tscarlisle/ / CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

The next time you are upset about something, and are
tempted to "use" some information about the other consider
the following:

1. Are you being defensive? Are you "pointing" at them as
a way of not looking at yourself?

2. Do you really think the person will "hear" what you are
saying if you point to something sensitive for or about them
when you are in the midst of a heated conversation?

3. Are you looking to hurt someone because you feel hurt?

4. Do you really think you are being helpful? Then consider
if there might be a better - less charged - time to address
the issue(s).

5. Do you really think you are being helpful? Does this
person want to hear what you have to say? Have they
"invited" you to address this issue? If not, odds may be
pretty good s/he will not be in a position to appreciate
what you have to say.

Arguments are bad enough without the additional stress
and heartache of the pain of feeling a betrayal of trust that
addressing sensitivities at the wrong time/in the wrong
way can bring.

Consider that you may think you know why a person is
acting as they are, but also consider that you haven't got
a clue. Many times what we think the issue at hand is
has nothing to do with what is really going on.

The world is a much better place when we have people that
we can trust and confide in, and when someone does that
with us, the best thing we can do for them is appreciate
the gift they've given us and respect them and the
information shared.

If you suspect the issue might be the issue, consider that
you can give them what they might need in the moment
as a result of the issue. For instance, maybe there is a
certain reaction because the person feels a lack of love.
Pointing out that they react that way, or that they feel a
lack of love is potentially unhelpful. What could be helpful
is to find a way to have that person feeling loved in that
moment.

If you find yourself on the receiving end of this type of
action, the best thing you can do is step back and see if
this might be what is happening.

If it is, then it might be helpful to let the other person
know that what s/he is doing is UNhelpful to you at that
time. If you really want to be generous, you can
acknowledge them for wanting to be helpful, but let
them know that you aren't in a place to appreciate it
at the moment.

I would truly like to think that most people don't set
out to hurt another, but that their own hurts and
defensiveness is what is speaking when they lash out.

When we love and trust another, it is a risk we take.
If we can recognize each other's humanity in moments
like this, it could make all the difference when it comes
to the outcome.

I am a great believer in expression. However, it would
be wise to consider what you say before you say it.
While words only take on the meaning that the receiver
brings to them, you can't take the result of their being
said back.

Sometimes it is wise to step back, and evaluate so you
can ACT vs. REACT. It is helpful to know when to walk
away. This is not to say to avoid the conversation, but
rather allow it time to breathe, so that the conversation
can be more productive. It is important to consider what
your goal is for the moment/for the conversation, and
where you are coming from. Is it a place of love? Or
somewhere more spiteful/hurtful?

In the heat of the moment we often are going to wind up
defensive (and defensively attacking), while the real issue
is standing in the corner watching and, as a result, remain
unaddressed and unresolved ready to appear another day.

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A Girl, A Yo-Yo, and Times Square

Several years ago I was waiting for a guy
I was dating in Times Square in New York City.

I arrived at our agreed location before
he did, and he was running late.

I called him at some point, and he sounded
like something was wrong, but when I asked
him about it, he was short, and pretty much
said he would still be coming.

I felt anxious about the situation, as I was
standing virtually on a street corner waiting
for him. I wondered if there was anything
personal, as this was a new guy I was starting
to see. My mind started to take all kinds of
twists and turns, none of them particularly
good.

I knew I had to shake the feeling, and I
decided I had to find a way to do it. Having
time on my hands, I started to roam the many
stores of Time Square, looking for something
that would help my mood transition.

I was in the middle of some courses at the
time, and part of what they were suggesting
was that we could be the essence of something
in our interactions, and who we were. I had
determined that for me it was the essence of
Love and Fun.

As I looked around for something that would
represent Love and Fun I wasn't having much
luck, until I came upon a Yo-Yo which I
bought. I then went back to the street
corner. It wasn't really the corner, but
close enough...just love saying it for the
effect :-p.

I went back to our meeting location, and
proceeded to stand there, and Yo-Yo'd. It
was a cool November/December Day, and I
was slightly more than casually dressed
for my date, so imagine what I would have
looked like, standing there, in front of
the ESPN Zone, Yo-Yo-ing.

Even remembering that image brings a smile
to my face. Needless to say, people
certainly gave me second looks. I think I
almost had more fun with them, than I did
with the Yo-Yo.

When my date showed, he was cracking up at
me. What was I doing with a Yo-Yo? I
don't recall, but I don't think I explained
to him the fact that I was sort of freaking
out, and that I needed to switch gears so
that I could get into the space of Love and
Fun. And, even though he cracked up at me,
he took the Yo-Yo and started playing with
it himself as we walked to Mars2112 where
there were lots of games to play.

We had a great night.

The next day I found out what was bothering
him the night before and, of course, it had
nothing to do with me. Had it been the "old"
me I would have wanted to know what was wrong,
even if it had nothing to do with me and it
would have likely have ruined - or at the very
least strained - our evening together. However,
that night, thanks to Love and Fun, I was able
to let it go, and be in the moment.

By the way, I still have that Yo-Yo (it is the
one in the picture above). I have kept it as
a reminder of what focusing on the essence of
something can do for me. It was a wonderful
gift that has kept on giving, as it is one of
those stories that I have told many times.

And now I have told it once more.
-*-
Picture above is an adaptation of a Trey Ratcliff photo:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/stuckincustoms/ / CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

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Understanding is Difficult but Judgment is so Easy | Video

Did you ever watch Rhianna speak about
her experience with Chris Brown?

While it is old news at this point,
I believe there are things to pull
from what she says and what happened
that is helpful for others.




There were many things that struck me about
what she said, but there was one thing in
particular that stood out. She says she
was embarrassed that she fell in love with
"that" type of person.

What I have found in calls with my clients
is that many define love a certain way -
one with conditions attached. In the world
of Love, many times Love gets confused with
actions or lack of thereof.

Love is Love. Abuse is Abuse.

They are two separate things. You can totally
Love someone who has abused you, you just don't
have to stay with them. However, when Love
gets collapsed with actions, the leaving part
isn't so easy.

Human beings often merge things together, and
they become one. It takes the ability to
alter one's perspective to be able to see the
parts that make up the whole.

Love isn't something we have, but it is
something we have access to through our
interpretations of acts and things. How we
experience Love is an interpretive dance,
one in which our interpretations will
take us to the places or great joy,
or potential sadness. The place we get
caught is believing that Love=those things.

If I was to speak to Rhianna, and she'd want
to know what I thought, I'd tell her:

Love the fact that you could share Love.
It is an incredible gift.

Love that you can now separate the feeling
of Love from how it is represented.

Since the way it was represented was harmful
to you, Love that you were able to take a
different action.

Love yourself. You are not stupid, as some
might say or believe, nor do you have any
reason to be embarrassed. Like you said,
you are a human being, and human beings tend
to do things that aren't always understood.
Ironically, some of the choices we make that
wind up causing pain are meant to take care
of us.

We think we're supposed to know it all, and
have it all handled. Our ego is great for that.
However if you look at life, it seems that it
isn't meant to be seamless. Take what you
can from this situation, and do your best to
focus on what helpful things can (or have)
come from it.

Love Love. To feel any other way about Love
is to have is to still have it collapsed with
other things. Love is a beautiful thing.

I realize that in the midst of pain it is
difficult to see much else, and painful
situations are so much easier on the outsider
who always seems to have an answer.

Situations like yours are never easy, and
neither are the answers, and no one will ever
fully understand why you did what you did
or what happened, but that won't stop many
from judging. I am sorry for the pain of
their judgments, and how they can mess
with you.

If they would take a step back they might
realize that even though they don't
understand you or your situation, they have
had times when they've been uncomfortably on
the receiving end of another's judgment.

Thank you for sharing where you've been. In
my experience it is helpful when someone
steps outside of the mask that many wear while
in the world.

To anyone reading who might be struggling in
a relationship, or just struggling in general
(feelings like these aren't exclusive to
situations like this one) odds are you, too,
are doing things that are unconsciously guiding
you for your own good. If you want to make a
change, and don't know how, have you considered
hypnosis? It is one of the best ways to tap
the part of you that is making the choices, and
help it to make new ones.

You CAN break destructive habits and behaviors.

To learn more about hypnosis, please visit
DeeperAndDeeper.com.

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On Conflict & Connection

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There's this thing called the phone...

http://www.flickr.com/photos/aussiegall/ / CC BY 2.0
There's this thing called the phone.
Have you heard of it?

It is an electronic device that has numbers
on it. Once upon a time it actually had a
dial. These days, except for those who wax
nostalgic, it is likely to have buttons,
or maybe even just pads where buttons once
were.

When these buttons are pressed, there is
some magic that happens. Those numbers that
are "dialed" (coming from the older days)
actually go to another phone which belongs
to someone you'd like to speak with.

Upon dialing you hear a sound which is
called ringing. The other person also hears
ringing, however, these days the ringing in
either case could actually be music, or
even someone speaking.

Should that person choose to pick up the
phone, you can actually have a live conversation
with them! Can you imagine that?!

The benefits of this piece of equipment are
as follows:

An actual connection with another person

No waiting to get an answer for a question,
unless the person needs to get back to you for
some reason.

Fewer misunderstandings than text messages and
emails. Less communications back and forth to
understand.

It is likely to be more expedient to
get work done.

In the event that you are unable to connect
with the person, you can leave the verbal
equivalent of an email with something called
an answering machine, but probably more likely
something called voicemail. Since the person
will be able to hear your voice, they will be
better able to tell how you are feeling about
what you're saying than if they were reading it.

In addition, if this person likes you, they
may very well enjoy hearing the sound of your
voice, and appreciate "hearing" from you.
People have been known to save messages,
especially the ones that they enjoyed listening to.

Now that you know what a call is and the
purpose of a phone, I invite you to consider
using a phone in this manner, and speak with
those you know...and who knows what could
happen?!

Wouldn't that be something?

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Seemingly Comatose Man Aware

Did you hear about Rom Houben? Apparently, he appeared
to be in a coma for 23 years, when in actuality, he was
conscious, and very aware of all that was happening and
being said around him.

Many people have been amazed by Rom's story, and what is
currently being conveyed by a specialized machine and
his ability to express his experience.

It has astounded many, and stirred up all kinds of
things, including hope for some whose loved ones have
been in what would seem a coma. Might there be others
like Rom?

What I personally found interesting was my perspective
as a Hypnotist who has been hypnotized. You see, I know
when you are hypnotized, you could be in a state in which
you are unable to speak and unable to move, and yet, you
could be aware of what is going on around you, and even
"speak" things in your mind, but not be able to communicate
them audibly.

As the piece that made the difference for this man's life
and future was a brain scan, I find myself wondering what
(if any) relationship there might be between his and a
hypnotic experience. In Rom's case, he is reportedly fully
paralyzed, however, in hypnosis, what the mind "believes"
to be true will likely be the experience of the body.

It makes me think. What about you?

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Working with your Strengths | Video

The following video is about a dog and
the human who set out to make it something
it wasn't meant to be.

As you will see, that person came to
realize the beauty in allowing the
dog to be something closer to what
its own personality is.

How many times do we try to force
things? and to what result?



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Let the Sun Shine In | Video

There used to be someone in my life that
I called "Sunshine."

That person did so much for me. Our
interactions were soul full, and
inspirational, and it was an amazing
connection that we shared.

I am reminded of this today, as this
song was going through my head.



The song reminds me of the bittersweet
feeling of the memories, as that is
all I now have, but it is also a
reminder to allow others to be my
sunshine, and to let them into my
heart and world as well.

Sometimes when things don't work out
as we would like, it is all too easy
to give up, abandon ship, and close
ourselves off. Let this song be a
reminder to you, as well.

I am certain that we can all have
lots of sun shining in our lives
through the gifts of those who are
in them - whether it is for a
moment, or a lifetime.

Have a great night.
 

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Reflection of life in death

Today I was referred to the
blog of Derek K. Miller,
a man I had never even known.

From what I can tell,
he was likely a man to know.

He was dying of cancer, and
had written his last blog,
to be posted once he passed
away.

He said many things in that
post, but one that stood out
to me was:

"I haven't gone to a better place, or a worse one. I haven't gone anyplace, because Derek doesn't exist anymore. As soon as my body stopped functioning, and the neurons in my brain ceased firing, I made a remarkable transformation: from a living organism to a corpse, like a flower or a mouse that didn't make it through a particularly frosty night. The evidence is clear that once I died, it was over."

No matter what you believe
happens when we die, there
is one thing that is certain:
the body we used ceases to be
functional or available.

That means that the unique
expression of who you are
and what you have to offer
the world also ceases to
exist.

Sadly, I think there are some
who check out early - their
body is still here, but their
mind has gone elsewhere.

I see those who get lost in
the diversions of life
because those things and
people can create their
"happy place," away from the
starker realities of what
life is. It is easier to be
caught up than it is to be
fully present and living their
life.

Whether you want to recognize
it, or not, whether you want
to appreciate it, or not,
whether you believe it, or
not, there are things that
are perfect and special about
who you are.

This is a once in a lifetime
opportunity to utilize those
things that make you, you
and for you to have the best
possible life and experiences
with the rental you've been
given.

In times of difficulty, it
is hard to see how that might
be possible. You may be too
busy judging yourself, or
kicking yourself for things
you thought should have been
some other way.

Who knows what is "supposed"
to be? I don't know that
there is a guide book anywhere,
although there are times I wish
there was so I could take a peek,
even if I couldn't know everything.

But since there is none that is
universally known of (some may
say the Bible, or some other
religious book, but that still
has a air of mystery and the
unknown, so this is not the
type of guide book to which
I refer), the best we can do
is the best we can do at any
given moment with what we have
available. And - sometimes -
there may be some slim pickings.

At the same time, we have much
that is available to us, if
we are only willing to look
and be willing to jump into
the unknown, and be uncomfortable.

There is great wealth in the
person that is you. I know
there is. That is why you
will always find me respecting
the core of who you are.

You may think you would like to
"overwrite" the person you are.
You may even think it a good idea,
but I guarantee you that a
better one is to discover how
the you that you've come to be
can find its best expression
in the world.

Given the way things are right
now...there truly is no better
time. The more people check out,
the less likely we are to get
ourselves out of this mess.

I know it can suck. I am right
there with you...but we can do
it together. Just say the word.

with Lots of Love.

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Creation Vs. Construction | Quote

“The whole difference between
construction and creation
is exactly this: that a thing
constructed can only be loved
after it is constructed; but
a thing created is loved
before it exists.”
- Charles Dickens

I love this quote. I think
it speaks to what is at the
core of a person. We can be
"made" to love things, but
what matters most are those
things that already are a
part of who we are.


Speak to me live

Random Thought

Speak to me live