Is Giving to Another Giving to Ourselves?

I was reading an article about how some tennis
players have been playing in France. Apparently
they have given their competitors points that have
won games. It is possible that those who are the
line men could have made different calls, but the
players were willing to be OK with calls of their
own that weren't in their favor.

The author of the article mentions that that type
of behavior isn't likely to happen in a sport like
basketball. Not sure that it even could, given
the dynamic. But the idea that one would give
another even a momentary advantage is something
I think we could use more of in the world.

Wouldn't it be something if we let another
occasionally have the "advantage?" I'd say in
the end, we all likely would benefit from the
positive ripple effects. I could be wrong, but
I sure wouldn't mind trying the theory out.

Given the world we live in - I'm not sure we'd
have much to lose.
 

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If this is true...Yikes! | Selling Oneself

There is a story about a 17 year old who was
given the equivalent of approximately $3,000
for a kidney. According to the story he
wanted an iPad 2.

For some it would seem preposterous that
someone would do something like that.
At the same time, people in general sell
parts of themselves for the things they
want: a bigger house, a more expensive
car, nicer clothes, "toys" they want.

People get in over their heads, or in to
situations that are difficult to extricate
oneself from without some consequence to
those superficial things. As a result,
many who want to make changes, don't -
and to a greater expense than the one they
think they are avoiding by maintaining the
status quo.

In another Twilight Zone episode that I
recently saw, a guy was given 3 wishes,
and warned that with anything he chose,
there would be consequences. For dramatic
effect, the consequences were quite dire.
However, it does highlight the fact that
anything we do will have ripple effects
of some sort.

It might be good to recognize that fact
when we are busy looking the other way
hoping that everything will work out.
 

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Communication Can Be Tricky | Video

Communication can be tricky. A person could know
exactly what s/he means, but it can come off
sounding like something completely different to
another.

Do you know what is being sung about in this song?



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Are You Feeling Resigned?

Per Google's online dictionary, resigned
has (among others) the following definitions:

Give up (an office, power, privilege, etc.)
Accept that something undesirable cannot be avoided
Surrender oneself to another's guidance

As I look at those definitions, I see a potential
mixed bag of meaning. When one "gives up" it could
be because something else is more important. It
could also mean that the person who gives up feels
it futile to continue what s/he was doing.

There are some situations in life that are
undesirable, and yet there are very few of them
that "cannot be avoided." Many times we may feel
so trapped by our choices, that we thinking they
are unavoidable, and yet what they really are are
things that we have the ability to change -
if we are willing.

To "surrender ones' self" to another could be a
smart thing to do, or it could be a way of giving
away your personal power. Someone might know
better than you, but it's not because they say so.

It would be because you could recognize and
identify something within that matches how the
person approaches a situation. You may not totally
know or understand where the person comes from,
but there is an inner part of you that knows if
you might be taking the "easy" way out (which often
can become the more difficult way), or doing s
something that might "seem" to be a good thing
vs something that truly is.

An argument can be made that one person's
resignation is another's empowerment. On a
superficial level that is likely easier to
do than one that goes to the core and heart
of the matter. You know when you are doing
the right thing. There is an inner peace
that comes along with your choices. It
doesn't mean that everything around you will
be calm and peaceful, but there will be an
inner knowledge that what is being done is
being done for the best. You do know when
that happens. I am sure you've had moments
like that.

At the very least, you have had moments in
which you listened to another, and knew that
you hadn't done the right thing for yourself.

In the end, it is YOU who gets to decide
what is right for you, and what your
motivation is for your decisions. Interestingly,
we will make decisions with our emotions and
then back them up with our logic, so you could
probably make almost anything work for you -
for a time, at least.

One of the best keys for the best chance at
happiness and true satisfaction is to be as
aware as you can be of what you are doing
and why you are doing it. Another one would
be to recognize whether or not something is
truly working for you. At least then you
will be able to tell if you are doing something
because you want to do it, or because someone
else wants you to - or thinks you should -
do it. It likely will also help you to see
if you justifying actions only appear to
serve your interests.

It isn't always easy to look, but when you're
not happy, or feeling unsettled, and it is
more than on an occasional basis, odds are
something is going on that is telling you
to look closer. Perhaps it is time for a
change. You know when you are making a "fix"
and when you are actually doing something
that will work, and so does that part of
you that nags at you. Circumstances don't
always need to change for you to feel good
about things, sometimes a true change in
perspective will be effective.

What won't work? Settling and/or avoidance,
as sooner or later it will likely come back
to bite you in the butt

Someone once told me something about how
compromise is important to a relationship.
My response was that if a person in the
relationship feels compromised as a result,
I wouldn't necessarily agree. If, however,
both parties can agree that it is best to
make a compromise, and really feel good
about it, then yes.

A compromise between two people that leaves
either one of them feeling compromised is li
kely to eat away at the partner affected,
and ultimately the fabric of the relationship.

Fight to keep the relationship on those terms,
and you will likely only have a skeleton after
a while. The relationship will have no "meat"
left. You might be OK with that, but if you're
not, and you're feeling resigned, sounds like
you may have some work to do.

As always, I might be able to help. If you'd
like my help, just ask. Hypnosis can be great
for things like this.
 
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Turmoil & Peace

Turmoil and peace often are related.

Sometimes you need some external
turmoil to bring some inner peace.

Sometimes external turmoil is
caused by a lack of inner peace.

There are times we don't want to make
waves, but at the same time, we need
to because it is time to make a change.

Change is uncomfortable, and even
more so when we fight it. You may
somehow think that you are doing
yourself (or perhaps even someone
you care about) a favor by not
making waves.

But if you are not at peace with your
life on the inside, you aren't doing
anyone any favors, and odds are sooner
or later things around you will change,
whether you want them to, or not.

It might be better to take a good,
long, hard look at things, and figure
out what it is that you do want, and
go about making changes. Things will
possibly be rocky, but I would bet
not as rocky as you might think.

However, however rocky it is, at the
other side is likely the inner peace
you've been wishing for. Life can be
challenging sometimes, but there are
times we seem to make things more
difficult for ourselves by fighting
what we already know.

In all of life there are cycles of
destruction followed by creation,
why would we ever think we were
exempt? What if we accepted that
sometimes things do - and need to -
change? Might we be happier and
better off for it?

I suspect the answer is yes, but
it doesn't really matter what the
answer is. If you are unhappy,
something has to change, if you
want to stop the unhappiness, and
there is a very good chance it
won't be any of the other people
involved.

There was a time in my life that
I knew something had to change,
but I just wanted things to work
out. I wanted the OTHER person
to see things my way. I wasn't
changing, the situation wasn't
changing, the other person wasn't
changing. I felt trapped, frustrated
and miserable - not to mention
scared - although at the time I
don't think I really acknowledged
my fears. Looking back, I'd say
my fears were a much bigger player
and decision-maker than I realized.

Eventually I took steps, as difficult
as they were, and backslid more than
once. Things finally came to a head,
and when the final step for lasting
change came, I couldn't have been
more relieved. What a difference.
As silly as it may sound, I felt like I
could breathe again. I had been holding
my breath for months, maybe even years.

That was a key time for me, and one I
often refer to. In looking back, I have
been able to move forward.

No one says you have to change, but if
you're unhappy, you may just want to.
Remember to be kind to yourself, odds
are you're doing the best you can.
While you're at it, consider looking at
turmoil as your friend, who's just
trying to help you get where you want
to be - whether you think you know where
that is, or not. :P
 
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On Remembering Who You Are

I caught the end of a Twilight Zone
episode last night in which a woman
in a department store appeared to
be losing her mind.

She said she had spoken to a sales
woman who, when she saw her again,
was a mannequin.

She seemed to be scared and freaking
out as she found herself in store
after it closed.

She got in the elevator, and the
mannequin who now appeared as a
woman was assisting her to come
out of the elevator, telling her
how silly she was being.

As the two of them walked, a number
of other mannequins that seemed to
be alive joined them. The woman
who brought her from the elevator
asked her to see what she could
remember, that "they" would help
her to remember.

Slowly, and surely, the upset woman
began to recall that she has just
returned from her 30 days in the
"real" world. Apparently, the
mannequins took turns being real
for that period of time.

It made me think about what is our
reality. How do we define it? Is
the unreal so real that when we
return to who we truly are, it is
scary? Do we sometimes need help
to be reminded of who we are?

Interestingly, when she remembered
who she was, she was quite peaceful.
It also turned out that she was a
day late in her return. Could that
have added to her state? The more
we are lost and/or resist our true
selves, the more likely we are to
be anxious, upset, frustrated,
confused. The list goes on.

Consider what you have accepted as
your reality, and see how peaceful
you are about it. If you're not so
peaceful, maybe you just need some
help to remember who you are.

I could be wrong, but I suspect that
life for some is the opposite of that
episode with the wooden world of the
mannequin seeming to be the real one.

Need help? Peace?
Maybe I can be of assistance.

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On Love

Love can seem to be quite a troubling thing.
In actuality, it is what we attach to it
and what we make those things mean that
can be so troubling.

Love, in and of itself, it a beautiful thing.
When you truly love someone you love them
because you love them, not because they do
something for you, say the right things,
give you a gift...

Love doesn't have to "look" a certain way.
You can love someone with your whole heart
and never be with them. I have had more
than one of those situations in my life,
and while on one level they suck, on another
one they are some of the most beautiful
gifts I have ever received.

Being human means making meaning all over
the place, so sometimes we will be sad when
things don't work out. Even though I
recognize the gift, it doesn't mean that
I have transcended the emotions that come
from the disappointment of things not
going my way. In a situation that is less
than desirable, I just choose to focus on
the good.

I wrote a poem about one of those times,
and made a video about it, which you can
check out below. See what you think.
Perhaps you'll be able to relate, or
perhaps it'll have you considering a
new perspective.




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On Changes, Focus and Belief | Video

This is a video well worth the few minutes
it will take to watch, especially if you
are contemplating change - or are in the
midst of changes.

The Taraval Tunnel

Let me know what you think.
 
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Still here? | On Life's Moments

Apparently those who thought the world
was going to come to an end this week
were - in some cases - disappointed.

Apparently, for some it would have been
a relief. Those who gave up their jobs
and their possessions certainly had
their world transform, but not likely in
the way they anticipated.

It got me to thinking about what life
would be if we knew when the end would
come. What if we had some warning?
Would people act the way those who believed
did?

The fact of the matter is that we do, in
some way, have a situation just like that.

Most of us know that living to 100 is fairly
unlikely. Average life expectancy in the US
is 78.7 years, so we know the end is coming,
and barring any unforeseen circumstances,
we might anticipate that amount of time
before our world, as we know it, ceases to
exist.

It's just that we play this game that is
part denial. We act as though we have
forever, and as a child it certainly seems
that way. At the age of 5, we've lived
approx 1/15 of what might be the length of
our life. The rest of the time seems so
far away.

Many children know how best to be in the
moment, focusing on that one thing they must
have, or do, now. Their attention may
shift to "when I am older" when they realize
that they do not have the ability to do what
they want to do, thinking that being an adult
will change everything in the most magical
of ways.

I can't help but wonder if that way of
looking at things stays with us - that we
keep thinking that tomorrow will have the
answers we don't have today. So we wind up
living more for what is to come than in what
we have now. As a result, we don't truly
look at what is in front of us. We are
unwilling to see things as they are. After
all, if you don't feel like you have the
ability to change things, you have to find
a way to cope, don't you?

But the thing is...odds are you are not a
child reading this. Odds are you are an
adult who has the ability to discern things
and to make choices. The game is not over
until you take your last breath. Many things
in life may feel impossible to change, but
that is because you have yet to find an
option that you can live with better.

Sometimes it is difficult to see past where
you are because steps have to be taken for
you to be able to see other things. On the
east coast of the US, it is impossible to
see the Eiffel Tower, except in video or
image. It might as well just be a dream.

But get in your car, go to the airport, get
on a plane, fly to Paris, perhaps connect
through somewhere else, and you will be
steps closer to your target, and you will
see things you never saw before, and have
experiences impossible to have while standing
on the eastern shores of the US. When you
look back the things that looked like hurdles
will likely seem insignificant. You probably
had no idea what else was possible along the
way.

It'd be nice if we all had a genie in a bottle,
but since we don't, we have the next best
thing: our ability to make our own magic
through the choices we make.

Yeah. I know. Not the same, at all. One
takes no effort at all on your part.

I can only speculate why life is set up this
way, and there are many who have their own
ideas. But I'd say one key is to acknowledge
where you are, and get moving. Wherever you
are headed, it will take one step at a time
to get there, and I bet if you pay attention
there is some beautiful scenery along the way.

Better yet, the destination may very well be
even more beautiful than you imagined - and
it all began with that first scary step. So
good, in fact, you may even have to refrain
from kicking yourself in the butt, wondering
what took you so long to get there. :P


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Are you one of those asleep? | Quote

If you want to make your dreams come true,
the first thing you have to do is wake up.

- J.M. Power

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Doing Things Your Way

When I saw the following video, I was struck by
Adam Lambert's willingness to step into his own
personality. Given the choices he made, it was
an uncomfortable choice for many, and likely
many more who were not shown.

It made me think about those times that we have
a job to do, and it isn't always one we want to
do. How many of us can carve out a way that
suits us and get the job done? Adam made it to
the finals, so he had to be doing something right.

Those who are truest to themselves tend to stand
out and rock the boat. It isn't always being
"green," but when it's who you are, it is going
to be very difficult, if not impossible, to be
anyone else.

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What if...

What if...
you're not in a relationship because
you're not in a relationship?

What if...
you're not talking to your brother because
you're not talking to your brother?

What if...
you're not making more money because
you're not making more money?

What if...
you're taking the vacation because
you want to take the vacation?

What if...?

Some would believe there is something
"wrong" with you if you're not in a
relationship.

Some would give you a hard time if you're
not talking to your brother. What did
YOU do wrong?

Some would say you're not motivated,
or not working hard enough, if you're
not making more money.

Some would say it's not wise to take
that vacation for money reasons, or
maybe where you want to go is not where
you should go.

Sometimes those with the best of
intentions will tell us what to
do, when to do it, and how best to do
it, and if we don't listen - and things
aren't the way we think they should be -
then there has to be something wrong
with us.

If someone wants to be in a relationship,
and isn't, that is the only explanation
there is, isn't there? After all, we
always all get what we want, don't we,
and if we don't, we certainly have to
be standing in our own way, right?

What if...life just sometimes doesn't
seem to cooperate? What if...life has
other ideas? What if...the masterpiece
takes time to create?

I don't know about you, but I find it
very difficult to live in a world in
which our seeming ability or inability
to have something becomes a judgment
when all it might be is a "fact."

What if...we stopped to take people
where they were and just supported and
loved them instead of judging them?
I suspect then that those who don't
have something they want, and have
frustrations they don't want, would
then perhaps have a little more peace.

After all...if something isn't happening
the way they'd like it to, it doesn't
necessarily mean they're missing anything,
or need to be fixed, and your impressions
to the contrary may only add to the
unpleasant and uncomfortable mix.

This is not to say sometimes we might need
a kick in the butt, or need a change of
venue or scenery, but the person who is
in the best position to guage that is in
the life you might think you know how
best to live. Unfortunately, your life
and your desires and your circumstances
are not always going to be the same for
another, and your solution - as wonderful
as it may seem to be - may not be a
solution at all.

What if...we only sought to help when a
person sought our assistance?

What if...others allowed us to be responsible
to ourselves and our choices and allowed us
to be OK with our own disappointments, without
feeling in some way that WE were a disappointment,
too?

The fact is
sometimes things just happen.

The fact is
sometimes things don't happen.

The fact is
we may just have to be disappointed sometimes.

The fact is
we can't always have what we want,
how we want it,
with who we want it,
when we want it

and the fact is...
that odds are quite good that
despite other's judgments and
concerns, and intentions, if
who you are and what you do
works for you, then it might
just be where you need to be
right here, right now.

And, and another potential fact is...
It might just suck.

Where did we ever get the
idea that we as human beings
would know all the answers?
It seems it would be at the
same time that not knowing
all the answers, and/or not
being able to "fix" our
circumstances became a problem,
or made us one.

Maybe who you are is perfect.

Odds are good, too, that
you've been on both sides
of this fence. Perhaps this
conversation will have you
look at things a bit differently
going forward.

Most people would likely say
"love" is their motivation for
helping. If one truly loves
another, s/he will love in
spite of another's seeming
imperfections.

Of course there are extremes,
and there are exceptions,
however I'd say that there is
likely much more middle ground
than most are likely to give.

What do you think?
 
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You're Amazing... | Video

just the way you are...

This is a cool looking video, but
more importantly the message - while
seeming to be romantic - is one that
many of us - male or female - yearn
to hear.

You are amazing. You have your quirks.
You also have your bugs. You have
your less than stellar moments. However,
in the midst of it all...

YOU are amazing.



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Many Paths

Sometimes in life it is easy to think that
there should be one clear-cut path for
everyone to take. It certainly would
be much simpler, wouldn't it? We'd all
know what to expect, because everyone would
be following the same path, at the same
speed. Life would look very much like the
image on the left.


Fortunately, or unfortunately, life it much
more like the image on the right. There is
one point of origin that we all come from,
but we can go off on many divergent paths,
sometimes slower than others, and sometimes
crossing over others for a moment.

It is seemingly much more chaotic than the
simplicity of the image on the left. At
the same time, I would venture a guess that
the reason it seems so chaotic is because
instead of focusing on our own path and life,
we are often busy gauging what another is doing,
some even spending energy trying to get others
to conform.

What if we could all be more present in, and
focused on, our own lives? Might our lives
feel more like the image on the left?

What do you think?

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What do you Value?

Dave Elliott has a model of our needs
that includes the following:


I don't know about you, but it is
interesting to see human needs
in this way. I find there are
many things that go unnamed and
unidentified, and I think it's
cool when they can be recognized
because then we are less at the
effect of them.

Take a look at the list. Where
do you think your most important
needs stem from? You may notice
that the quality of the needs
change from the bottom to the top,
with the bottom being much more
restrictive and limited than what
is at the top.

When your need is to have
predictability, the focus is
much more on you. When your
need is for providing service
to another, as you can tell,
the focus is quite different,
and will have a different
effect.

When you are controlled by a
need, it is because somewhere
along the line you have
overvalued it.

As with most things, whether
or not something "works" for
you is key. There is no
inherent judgment in an
overvaluation, but rather
an observation. If you are
controlled by something, and
have an experience you don't
want to be having, then it is
worth considering making some
changes.

If you find that you value
Predictability, you may find
that the things you want will
be out of your reach. IF that
is the case, it may be time
to take different actions to
get different results.

Of course, we as human beings
just love things staying consistent,
so to say it is challenging to
do that might be an understatement.
However, when you let yourself
be aware of where you are in
relation to where you want to
be, you can begin to take actions
that will allow your value system
to shift, and allow for different
actions.

It may be obvious to point this
out, but going up or down the
list is possible. Who you are can
be altered by what you do, and
often we will find ourselves never
straying too far from who we
perceive ourselves to be. Stretches
take work, and those who want things
to be easy will find that the only
thing that is easy is treading water.

Although, having said that, when we
feel a need to make a change, and
we don't, the ability to tread water
without even thinking may be there,
but there may be a tendency to deny
a desire because it means getting
from here to there, and we don't
know how to make that happen. It
also may mean going in circles, in
frustration.

We may want to stay put, but the
irony is we have little patience
with ourselves when we do, and it
takes more and more to keep our
world intact, as we lose more and
more of ourselves, ironically
working quite hard to maintain
our illusions. "I don't really
want that any way."

The more you feel the need to fight
to keep what you know, the more
possible it is that you are due
for a change that you are resisting.
Should you choose to allow the change,
and lower your resistance, you may
find that you have so much more energy
and feel so much more free. The
inner battle can be exhausting -
mentally, physically, emotionally.

The best thing you can do for yourself
is love yourself, wherever you are
in regard to your values. You are
there for a reason, and unconsciously,
you think it's a good one. But...

That doesn't mean you need to stay
there. Don't know how to get where
you want to be? I might be able to
help. Sometimes it helps to have
another's perspective and input to
help clarify what we already suspect
or know, or to have another hold our
hand as we take that next step, not
as a sign of weakness, but rather
as an acknowledgment of what another
might bring to our experience of
ourselves and our life.

One last thing: Given what you know
of those you interact with, you
can tell by who they are, what THEY
value. Interact with them from that
place - without judgment - and you
will likely have better success
relating to them.

As always, curious to hear YOUR
thoughts.
 

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