Sexless Marriage?

I often speak with men whose relationships
(married, or not) seem to have a minimal
amount of sex. I sometimes think they
they they are unique. Not to burst that
bubble, but it is much more common than
anyone may realize, and it goes both ways
despite what some may think.

I just read an article about a marriage
of 16 years in which the two partners never
had sex, and it was the woman who was the
one who wanted it, but the husband who found
reasons not to, and ways to blame her for
his lack of willingness/desire.

It is amazing how we can sometimes
creatively turn things around. I
would imagine there may be a few men
whose partners are good at saying
things in a similar way that might
have a negative effect on one's own
self esteem.

I used to be in a relationship where the
guy I was with was really good at that.
Because I wasn't how I am now, I would
constantly question myself, wondering if
somehow he might have a point.

Not to say he didn't at times, perhaps,
but I am certain that there were issues
that he had that he deflected on to me.

The more you know yourself, the less likely
someone can manipulate you. The more you
know yourself the more opportunity you have
to communicate effectively and ultimately
decide if the situation you find yourself
in is one you want to remain in.

You can likely convince yourself of anything.
Are the things you've convinced yourself
about really worth it? (HINT: the answer
might be a dubious yes, if you are unsettled
or are unhappy about it - especially if over
an extended period of time) If not, it may be
time to take a good, hard look at things.

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On the Subject of Love Relationships & Will

I recently watched the movie "When in Rome."

If you don't like spoilers, don't read any
further, as I am going to talk about the plot.

The movie in part asks the questions,
"What is love?" and "Love," at what cost?

The main character, Beth, takes coins from
a fountain while in Rome. According to the
story, it apparently makes all who threw
those coins in the fountain fall in love
with her.

As impossible as it would seem, and as
plausible as only a film script could be,
she suddenly has what seems to be five
men obsessively chasing after her back
in NYC, where she lives.

She is told that she can reverse the "spell"
if she gives the coins back to those who
put them in the fountain.

Before she has a chance to, though, she
has 4 of the 5 show up at her apartment,
and the conversation ensues about what
love truly is, and that if the four of
them truly love her, even if she doesn't
love them, they should help her get what
it is that she wants. After all, isn't
that what love truly is about?

So the four get her to where she needs
to be, and she gets the coins back so
that she can return them to their owners,
and three of them have a Wizard of Oz
moment, of sorts (LOL, at least that is
the way it seemed to me).

One says he never did magic in public,
until he felt the way he did about her.
One says he missed (I think) his wife,
and he knew he couldn't replace her,
but how he felt about the main character
helped him to find a similar, love-
filled feeling, and the third had had
a desire to be an artist that was
awakened - and acted upon - in a big
way because of how he felt.

Maybe that is what love is about, too,
bringing out the best in who we are
because of how we feel for another.

Then there is the the 5th guy, the one
the main character appears to love, and
she believes she also has a coin to
return to him, and when it is returned
she believes the spell on him will also
be broken, but instead he says he loves
her, and that nothing has changed. The
next thing you know, they're off getting
married, but on her wedding day it is
discovered that she gave him the wrong
coin. So as she is about to marry him,
she has to decide if she wants to be
with someone under her "spell."

At the altar she returns the coin, and
runs from the church, and back to the
fountain, and apparently seems grateful
for the adventure she had been on when
the groom comes to her and tells her
that he never threw any coins into the
fountain. It turns out that they were
someone else's.

Interestingly, it made me think about
conversations I have had with some
who think that I would be interested
in hypnotizing someone to be in love
with - and mesmerized by - me.

In an odd way, what the movie "makes
up" could potentially be a reality if
a person who knew hypnosis knew how to
use it to manipulate another. While
that can be a whole other discussion,
the point I am wanting to make is that
I would never want to be with someone
who didn't want to be with me - because
he wanted to be with me. I

I have no desire in "making" someone
be something they're not, or don't
want to be. In my world, a
relationship of any type is a
partnership and is going to work for
the best interests of those involved.

So while there may be magic involved,
in this world of mine it is the most
magical when those affected are
already enjoying the "show," and the
hypnosis is a(n) bonus/enhancement.

So...what do you think? Would you want
someone to love you because they love
you, or love you because something else
tells them to? Could you love someone
who couldn't return your love and
affections the way you would desire?

My inquiring mind wants to know.

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Feeling at Odds? The Many Parts of Who We Are

When speaking with those who call me I find
that there are many parts to who they are:
the responsible adult, the young child who
wants to be in wild abandon, the father/mother,
the daughter/son, the boss, the employee, the
in control one, the willing one, the protagonist,
the antagonist, the procrastinator, the creative,
the artist, the processor, the...the list goes
on and on.

What can happen (and often does happen) is
the different parts of a person can wage an
inner war, and one part can feel attacked for
who and how it is, especially if it seems
that that part is causing trouble.

Interestingly, there are parts of us that
will be lured into "trouble" because, in
some way, it might be good for us. That
part of us might be taking us to a place
that we need to be. However, it doesn't
mean that it will always be a calm, neat
and tidy - and often, probably, quite
the opposite. Many times it might
create an event that can be difficult
or painful, but then it is revealed how
much of a gift the experience truly was
as more of life unfolds.

So much of life these days is about "fixing"
things, not the least of which is who we
are. Perhaps it is time to consider that
we are who we are, and that who that is is
perfect for us to be the unique person we
are meant to be, and not the carbon copy
of someone else.

The more unique you are, the more likely
you are being true to yourself and your
journey in life. Perhaps the moments of
uncertainty and questioning and even of
darkness serve to bring us into the light.

So many times in my life I have had moments
that have been devastating for who I was
at the time. When I look back, I see how
these times have molded me and shaped me
as the person others seems to appreciate
today. Without those things you'd be
speaking to another version of me, if you
were even speaking with me at all.

One never knows when the storm is
actually bringing peace. For that
reason, when you are struggling with
those parts of yourself that seem not
to be in synch consider giving them a
voice, and finding out what they need.
Perhaps you need that inner child to
stamp his feet for a bit.

The different parts of us never go away.
We just develop new ones which now have
to co-exist with those parts that have
come before. It is something - unlike
other things - we often never learn to do.
However, if we are able to get anywhere
close to it, those parts of us can be
at odds but still work together as part
of a whole in such an incredible way
that it can bring us a kind of peace that
we can't have or enforce by attempting
to squash parts of ourselves.

Consider being nicer to yourself. Those
parts are only trying to do their best
for you.

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The Human Experience (A few thoughts from a Documentary)

I just watched The Human Experience. It is a
documentary that touches on a few things that
are profound.

It has gotten some mixed reviews, and a few
awards, and I personally feel a bit mixed
about my experience of it. However there
were some very pointed and poignent moments.

Two things that stuck out to me were:

One of the guys featured in the film looked
straight at the camera and was talking about
a kindergarten teacher. He said that he
was unable to color in the lines, and for
that reason the teacher basically told him
he would amount to nothing.

He said this while in Africa.

It made me think about how we as adults have
adult versions that tell people that they're
"nothing" or that they'll never get anywhere.

Interestingly, it seems as though he may have
(even in small part) been spurred on by what
she said, so who knows? Maybe it was something
that was meant to be, and contributed to whatever
he winds up doing. We are, after all, motivated
by things both "negative" and "positive."

The second thing was something that a Rabbi
said. I am guessing it may have been said
some other place, perhaps in a similar way,
but what he said was something I had never
heard before.

He spoke of a metaphor of all of life to a
musical composition. He suggested that each
person was a note in that composition waiting
to be played, and integral to the piece.

So what does your contribution "sound" like?

The film is about how we are connected and
how we all matter. If that type of message
speaks to you, it might be worth a view.

Have a great night.


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Happy Father's Day! | video

As I sit here and write this, I find
myself wondering what my father would
have thought of what I do for a living.

If it wasn't for him, odds certainly
say I wouldn't be here, or at the
very least, wouldn't be who and how
I am as everything that we are and
are not has everything to do with
those who parent us.

Relationships with others are a
mixed bag, and for some there may
be a father figure that one can
appreciate, even if you don't share
the same genetic material.

To those who have a reason to
acknowledge this day, I hope
you have a wonderful day with
your kids and/or your "dad."

And to anyone who reads this, a
special thank you in spirit goes
from me to your dad for his making
a place for you in the world.

I have to believe the world is
benefitted in some way by your
contribution to - and presence
in - it. (If by any chance
you don't believe that, then we
should certainly speak!)
 

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