Trying to Please Everyone? (Read this)

You're never going to please everyone.

You might be one way, and a person
will feel wonderful around you.

You might be around another person
and be the same way, and that
person feels uncomfortable.

When you don't know who you are,
or feel insecure or not confident,
it may be easy to be swayed by the
winds of another.

Don't do it.

Well.
I suggest you don't do it.

The more willing you are to take a
stand for who you are, foibles and all,
the more likely you will find the people
and situations who will like you just
the way you are - give or take a little, LOL.
(No one's that perfect).

For a long time I had difficulty being
who I am, as it seemed that I didn't
really "fit." I was often the odd one
out, and yet, it seemed that people who
took the time to pay attention to me
one on one seemed to appreciate who
I was.

It is easy to wonder "what is wrong
with me?" when you don't have a clear
sense of not only who you are, but that
who you are is just perfect the way
you are.

It has taken some doing, and now I
can finally say I am OK with who I am.
It sucks when it doesn't fit, but
at least I don't try to make it fit,
try to change, and I lose less energy
over it because I can walk away faster.

Coming to that place has helped me
when carving out my place in the
world as well as in more personal
ways, like when I have profiles
on dating sites (where all kinds
of anonymous guys have given me
"helpful," conflicting advice,
and where I am told how wonderful
I am in one email and how scary
I am in another, LOL).

Sometimes I am even at the point
of laughter when someone tries to
tell me how to be (a complete
stranger, mind you) in the guise
of being helpful.

Interesting how - without awareness -
the world in which we live we believe
to be THE world. Of course then it
would help if the world would conform
to our way of looking at things.

Why is it that we haven't yet gotten
the idea that there is no ONE world
and no ONE way of looking at things
that works for everyone? Why does
that seem so difficult to attain?
We have example after example of how
that DOESN'T work.

The wind's blowing yet again...are
you going to be blown by it?

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Beautiful the Way You Are | Video

I was reading an article about how The Voice
is the Anti Idol. It raised some interesting
points, and as I thought about it, I came to
a few of my own thoughts about how the two
shows are in many ways representative of how
we "do" life.

In many ways Idol is how we try to manipulate life,
and how we try to get it to fit into the boxes
and labels we want it to be.

The Voice seems to say, "This is who I am. Take
me or leave me." Interestingly, it seems as though
people are taking to those who are making it into
the finals.

It seems to be one of the paradoxes of life that
we try to make everything fit so neatly, and yet
when we can truly be who we are, and see those
being who they truly are, there is a connection
that can be made that can't be manufactured.

I would bet that The Voice is successful (at
least in part) because despite the fact that
it doesn't "fit" the perfect mold, what it
does fit, in some way, is who we aspire to be
without the pressures to be something and
someone we are not.

The following video is one of the contestants
with a song about perspective. See what you
think:



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At what cost?

He is married, with one child.
He had split from his wife,
but had gotten back together
with her.

He admitted that, in some ways,
he took the easy way out. He
had a lifestyle that was more
than comfortable, and wasn't
sure he wanted to jeopardize
it. He had also been with his
wife for years, so he was going
with what he knew. He didn't
like the idea much about dating
again - even though he and his
wife were rarely - if ever -
having sex, even after their
reconciliation.

He said he tries not to think
about it. That also seemed easier,
and yet here he was talking to
me about it. He noticed that
despite not wanting to think
about it, it was often lurking
under the surface.

He isn't happy, and he knows it.

But he doesn't know what to do
about it. He feels stuck.

I can appreciate where he is -
to some degree. There was a
relationship that I had that I
was in and out of more than once
before the final break. The
reconciliations did nothing to
change things. Words were
exchanged, and maybe it seemed
as though things might be different,
but I think it was more wishful
thinking, and not be willing to
see things as they were that
brought me back those times.

Interestingly, when it finally
ended it was a RELIEF.

And...I wasn't even married to
the guy, and there was no child
involved.

Interestingly when this guy spoke
of his wife, he said "polite" things,
but he said nothing about why he'd
want to stay with HER. It was more
about the child, the lifestyle.

When I pointed this out, he recognized
that I was right. I asked him how
he'd feel if someone was staying with
him because of what she could get from
him. I asked him wouldn't he want
someone to want him for who he was
than what he had to offer.

I asked him if he was really doing his
child any favors. I have known of
situations in which the parents were
so unhappy - but stayed together "for
the kids" - which were troubled and
troubling situations for more than one
reason. Sometimes pretending everything
is OK and staying together will do more
of a disservice to the children.

If two people have a child's well being
in mind when acting, they will find ways
to take care of the child - at a distance.
The key is to have the core desire to
focus on helping the child, rather than
using the child as a ploy (which I have
sadly also seen more than once).

Those who are for "family" will argue
that family comes at any cost. Of course,
they won't say it that way, but they'll
have a family that superficially "works,"
on the surface, but that's it. The good
(acceptable?) appearance of things, though,
in situations like that is at great personal
expense to those who are in the
relationship.

How much are you willing to "pay" to stay
in a situation that doesn't work? To stay
in situations that don't fulfill your
most basic needs? To stay in a situation
that demoralizes you?

If you re-read that paragraph, you might be
able to tell that it can apply to other types
of relationships as well. When you are so
focused on holding on to what you got, you
may not be able to see what amazing things
you might be coming into - if you just let go.

There are no absolute answers, despite what
some may think. What is right for you might
go against what others think is right. I
know someone who says they're concerned for
how their spouse will be treated by their
family if there is a divorce.

This is not to say that the feelings of others
should not be considered. However, if they
are acknowledged to your own detriment, consider
that the value of those actions may be diminished.
Also consider that you are not responsible for
another person's experience of life, or how
another interprets the things that happens in
their life.

Many times when staying together seems to be
difficult, it is easy to look anywhere but
within. The reason for this is that if we
were willing to really look at ourselves, and
listen, we might have to make choices that
rock the boat. Ironically, if you are unhappy,
what you haven't likely noticed is that the
boat is already rocking.


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Soul & Connection & Conflict | Quote

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Giving & Receiving

Some people just love to give, and
occasionally a constant desire to
give can be a way of avoiding or
ignoring the fact that there is
nothing coming back (among
other things).

The thing is, though, that often we are
best if we are in balance, and it is as
important to know how to receive as it
is to give. When we deny the opposite
of something it can be to our detriment.
Sometimes a denial will just bring the
thing denied closer to the surface.

There are all kinds of ways to give and
receive. For two people it may be two
different things, but as long as it
works for those involved, it can be a
good thing to help with balance.

At one point in my life I was definitely
the one who gave more, and looking back
it is clear to me that it wasn't what
it appeared superficially and it was
only superficially satisfying (although
at the time I was so far removed from
what I know now, I didn't have a clue).

The more someone can appreciate who you
are, what you do, and what you have to
offer the more satisfying those experiences
will be and the more likely you will enjoy
life overall.

By the way, this includes the relationship
you have with yourself. I am reminded of
this today as I spend time nurturing myself
and making things for me that I enjoy.

There is a domestic goddess inside of me
that can be quite happy when doing things
that nurture someone - even when it is
"just" myself (and I really need to get
better when it comes to that relationship
...sound familiar?)

I hope you do things for yourself, too.
If you haven't done anything recently,
what can you do to give to yourself?
What can you do to nurture yourself?

When you figure it out...you know what
the next step is, don't you? :)

Enjoy what's left of your weekend!

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Gender Bias

I was just reading an article about a preschool
in Sweden that takes big efforts to gender
neutralize everything.

The idea behind it seems to be to give
children the opportunity to just be
themselves without feeling "compelled"
(my word) to be the expectations of
their gender.

While it seems to me that we certainly
have room for improvement, it would
also seem to make sense to identify
with one's gender to see, if nothing
else, how it "fits."

Perhaps a girl will identify more with
the boys, and a boy will identify more
with the girls, but perhaps it would
be better to have a more informed and
tolerant world that allows for self
discovery, and the forging of a path
that works for the individual rather
than one that society deems appropriate.

We seem to have enough trouble as it is
sometimes figuring out who and how we
are. Hopefully those whose children
are enrolled are helping them to distinguish
which choices seem to fit for them within
the gender roles without negating their
own, or the other, gender.

We have genders. There is no getting
around it, and it seems to me that a
avoidance of it (if that is what this
is) is no more helpful than an avoidance
of anything else.

It seems geared to help kids, but I can't
help but wonder if it is potentially misguided
as it would seem it is the adults who have
the gender bias issues, not the kids.

I would be curious to know your thoughts.
 

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Gee...Wonder what they were thinking... | Video

when they made this commercial.



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