"Whatever"

I was talking to someone today about
something we don't see eye to eye on.

It is a difficult situation, as I
feel like the person isn't hearing
what I am saying. It is pretty
clear to me that there are all
kinds of meanings that are going
on behind the scenes that are creating
some of the conversational havoc.

During the conversation the person
said, "Whatever." You know how
good that sounds, don't you? It
totally strips away any value of
what you have just said. It basically
says that person perceives your
statement to have zero value.

In this case, I think it has perceived
zero value because it isn't a
perspective that can be understood
easily. It isn't to that person's
advantage to understand what was said,
because it could conceivably undermine
what they want and are trying to
accomplish.

When I said something about the
"whatever," I was met with "fine,"
whatever's sibling.

"Whatever" and "fine" often shut down
communications. They do not contribute
to any positive outcome. The other
person can be left defensive, and/or
feel the need to attack.

In my case, I took a step back, and
tried to figure out what to do/what
to say. At this point I am still
not sure what that will be. At least,
though, my biggest reaction is this
blog piece, sharing my thoughts with
you instead of reacting in a way that
could have likely only made matters
worse.

If you want to be heard, it would be
a good idea to say things in a way
that the other person can hear you.
When you say things like "whatever"
instead of how you really feel, or
instead of asking a question to
clarify, you are likely to get no
where fast. That is kind of ironic,
as well, as "whatever" usually comes
from the frustration of an outcome
that is going any way but the way
you want it to.

Want things to turn around? You'll
have a better chance of making that
happen if you are willing to ask
questions of yourself and the other
person. What is really going on?

Most times whatever it is has nothing
to do with what you think it does.
Uncover what "it" is, instead of
devaluing where the other person is,
and you will have a much better shot
at the outcome you want, or at the
very least come to a respectful
appreciation of the other person and
situation.

Sometimes your attempts at communication
will open up avenues of expression and
understanding between you and the other
person. Often it might feel safer to
shut down, or shut things down. After
all if you say what you really feel,
there is likely to be a feeling of
vulnerability...not a comfortable feeling
for most people. To be able to move
forward, we may have to be willing to
expose ourselves in uncomfortable ways.

We can't always have what we want, but
that doesn't mean that we can't always
treat those we interact with with love,
respect, patience, understanding...even
when - and especially when - they're
unable to communicate their frustrations
in a way that is helpful to either one
of you.

(That even includes yourself. Sometimes
it can get very frustrating to not know
how to communicate something so the other
person knows what you are really saying.
We all truly do the best we can with what
we got in any given moment. It's just
one of those things that some of what we
got is better than some of the other
stuff we got.)

And the next time you are tempted to say
"whatever" or "fine," consider that you
might be better off being quiet for a
minute and figuring out what you really
feel about what was said and expressing
that, or just acknowledge what was said.
Just because you don't understand it,
doesn't mean it isn't in some way valid
for the other person.

Odds are good if your reaction is extreme,
you really care about the person and/or
the situation, so consider treating those
things with the respect that things you
care about deserve.
 

Speak to me live